* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

* I need to practice social distancing from . . . the refrigerator.

* Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter/Passover . . . The Living Room or The Bedroom.

* Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job!

* I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.

* So, after this quarantine, will the producers of My 600 Pound life just find me or do I find them?

* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business!

* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

* I’m so excited . . . it’s time to take out the garbage. What to wear, what to wear?

* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardia. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroomia.

* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.

Hat tip to Granny and the McCutchens.